Comfort

That's what I'm seeking.  I am sorry now that I didn't keep up writing in this blog.  The previous post I wrote 3 years ago.  A lot has happened since then, and now I wish I had recorded it.

I don't know why I decided to write today, I guess because when I am hurting it seems cathartic to write things down.  So...here I am.  I re-read the earlier posts and I'm amazed that they were actually helpful for me today.  Those words I wrote about Eddie and Tyler are resounding in my ear, because I'm writing today about another young person who has touched my life who is lying in a hospital bed, waiting.  While I continue to pray for healing (though in my head I've been told there is no hope of healing medically speaking) my heart is heavy.  I believe the Lord can and does miraculous healing.  I want him to with all my heart.  But I've been down this road before.  I refuse to be angry with God, though I truly question His ways.

This time I am praying desperately because I know someone I love with all my heart is going to be devastated if this young person leaves this earth.  My only child, my son, has found a lovely lady who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.  I couldn't have found a more perfect mate for him if I tried.  That's the beauty of God, His timing is perfect, and if we wait and pray for the right person, our lives are so much richer and more fulfilling.  And so Ben waited.  He didn't date all through High School.  He has always had this knack of surrounding himself with good people, quality people, who help shape and mold him into the man he is today.  A good man, like his Dad.  A compassionate man, like his Dad.  Kind and caring, like his Dad.  (And when I waited for the perfect mate, I was given the same kind of man....God really does know best!)  Katie has Cystic Fibrosis.  She has battled this her whole life.  She is brave, and thinks of others before herself.  Even now, lying in a hospital bed, she cares that people are eating, where they are sleeping, and will pick herself up and carry on conversations even though I know she feels terrible and just wants to sleep, because she cares what they will remember when she is gone.  I love Katie.  She is the daughter-in-law I hoped for.  One who loves Ben with all her heart.  She is the one I prayed for....and God delivered.  I don't understand why God would choose this path for Ben's heart to follow, but from experience I know that something positive will come from all this heartache.  Whether it be that he grows in the direction God has planned, or he is being prepared to help someone else, I know that God's will is to prosper us and not to harm us.  While I know this, it still hurts like crazy.  I am close to tears all the time.  But it doesn't mean I'm weak, or that I don't trust God.  It only  means that my heart hurts at the thought of this great loss. 

Katie's Mom and Dad are great with her.  They are loving parents to her and their strength is amazing.  I don't know how they are holding up so well while I sit here in a puddle of tears.  I couldn't be so composed if she were my child.  Please pray for them that they find comfort in The Lord while they go through this difficult time.

So I'll end here with some verses the Lord gave me the other day.  These have been and will be my prayer...

“My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
I have sought your face with all my heart; be gracious to me according to your promise.

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight.
I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises.
May my cry come before you, Lord; give me understanding according to your word.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭119:28, 50, 58, 76-77, 147-148, 169‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Strength

I had someone tell me today they wanted to be strong like me...honestly I don't see where that comes from because I don't see myself as strong.  Where my perceived strength comes from is in the knowledge that I know where I'm one day going.  It will be perfect, a true heaven, surrounded by a heavenly host and I will see Jesus.  All that comes before that is just a pathway, a journey, a  means to an end.  I am not perfect.  I am forgiven.  And that, in itself, is a journey.  It is something I choose to do on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.  I choose to ask forgiveness, I choose to ask The Lord for refinement, I choose to seek His face, His grace, and His redemption.  It doesn't mean I'm not going to slip up from time to time, because I am human and I will make mistakes...and often do.  It's a process, and I am far from the end of my journey.

I am His child, and because I am His child, I have freedom.  Freedom to choose the right path, no matter what the circumstances.  If I am in pain, sick or hurting, I choose the path of seeking His help.  He comforts me, sometimes heals me, but always loves me.  If I am angry, I choose to seek forgiveness, and He is faithful to forgive.  Not only does He forgive, He forgets my sin!!  I am once again clean, spotless, and white as snow.  If I am confused, I seek His guidance, and once again, He is faithful to direct my path.  With that freedom, we can (and I often do) make wrong choices.  Hopefully, with time and practice, I will begin to make more right choices than wrong.  Thankfully, He is a forgiving God!

I choose to seek Him every day.  This means reading His word.  I have reading plans that I follow, but sometimes afterward I just choose a passage and start reading.  I read until He gives me a passage that makes me think, gives me direction, encourages me, or reminds me of someone else.  Then I write verses on Facebook as a reminder to me what He tells me that day.  This also means praying.  When I say I will pray for you, I do!  Sometimes I write out my prayers in a journal.  Often I've gone back and seen answers to prayer that astound me.  Not that He HAS answered, because I believe He is faithful and will answer, but in the WAY He answers.  His ways are so much better than our ways.  And because of my experience, I have learned to trust Him when I can't always see the direction He is taking.

I'm a firm believer that we go through trials in this life, and they are either for our benefit, to strengthen us and our faith, or to help others who will later go through similar circumstances.  I don't believe God makes these things happen, I believe He can deliver us from them if He chooses, but sometimes I think He joins us in our journey through them for a greater purpose.  His plans are to help us, not to harm us.  So with that in mind, I journey through things with the thought in mind that one day, if I persevere, I will know what He was teaching me, or others who were watching me.

So...do not envy my "strength", because I believe it is available to everyone who chooses to accept the Lord as their Savior.  It is His strength you see through me...and hopefully the calm assurance that He is my Savior, my ever present help through this journey called life.